I've been single since the age of 20, when I actually started dating. I've had a few significant relationships thru the years, but most have lasted 3-4 months max. And while there have been times where I've just had genuine bad luck, most of the time any heartbreak that I have experienced was brought on by myself. I have never been good at listening to my inner voice or instincts in regards to men. I can look back on specific relationships and remember seeing those red flags pop up and just pushing them down to where I didn't have to deal with them. In fact, I'm not even sure if they actually registered as red flags and that it was time to run. To me, they registered as "oh, I need to help this person," or "his ex-wife is still in his life, but he's choosing to be with me," and "he has a lot of girl "friends" and is very sneaky on the phone, but I don't want to come across as the paranoid/controlling girlfriend.". There are many more I'm sure, but you get the gist. And because I chose to ignore those warnings, I ended up allowing myself to get hurt. I also allowed for men to treat me less than I deserved because I so wanted it to work, or to belong to someone, or to not be alone, or more importantly, to get married and start a family. Anyone that knows me well, knows that I fall hard and fast when I really like someone. I jump in with both feet, and always listen to my heart and almost always ignore my head. But I can honestly say that I don't even know if I have ever actually experienced true love. Oh there have been many times that I thought I was in love, or even times I tried to convince myself that I was in love. Maybe the real root of this problem has been the fact that I've never loved myself enough to protect myself from men that are less than what I deserve. And all those insecurities and self-hatred are a direct result of things I experienced as a child. There is no need to go into those experiences. I had a wonderful childhood and two very good and loving parents that did the best that they could with what they had. And I love them very much. But I am also 42 years old and do not want to be one of those people that blames their failures on their parents or childhood experiences. I know from right and wrong, and I know what I need to do to make positive changes in my life. And I try very hard every day to make positive changes in my life. Some days are are struggle, but I just do better the next day.
You may ask, "why am I sharing some of my most private and insecure thoughts?". I have always been a very open and honest person, which sometimes isn't always the best to be, but sharing this information is all part of the process to becoming the best possible mother i can be to my future child and that's part of what I signed up for when I started this blog.
You know, I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. I've done things that I'm not proud of. But I am also human and am far from perfect. Mistakes are good though. They teach us and prepare us for the future. Yes, sometimes I have made the same mistakes 1, 2, 3 times over. But eventually I do get it. But I'm still learning, still making mistakes, and therefore still growing.
Unfortunately, sometimes the people in your life that you thought loved you unconditionally, or trusted completely, are the first ones to criticize and sit in judgement for the choices you've made. I understand the disappointment that they may have felt in the bad choices I've made along the way, but no one will ever be more disappointed, or beat themselves up about those choices, more than myself. At the end of the day, no one knows what it's like to walk in someone else's shoes. And no one has one clue what it's like to have lived in mine more than myself.
And finally, I think I'm on the path to loving myself, learning to recognize those red flags when they pop up and actually running away as fast as I can, respecting myself, and putting myself first.
Thank you for letting me share some very personal thoughts.