tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6108623812613327262024-02-20T13:57:07.065-08:00Where's that damn stork?Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13442904357153010884noreply@blogger.comBlogger34125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-610862381261332726.post-74832503020411496832012-11-08T15:46:00.002-08:002012-11-08T15:46:44.750-08:00Adoption UpdateHello there,
Wow, it's been quite a long time since my last post and I felt the need to share how things have been going with the process. It's been a crazy roller coaster of a ride, and I'm not much of a roller coaster fan! I've had two matches since my file was approved this summer.
About two months ago, my case worker called me with information on a 9 month old baby girl. Nothing ever prepares you for that call. It's excitement, thrilling, scary, unknown, etc. But overall, I was very excited! My case worker gave me some basic info over the phone and said that there was one family ahead of me to decide whether or not they wanted the baby. I had a week to think about if I wanted to go for a full disclosure if the family ahead of me were to say no. I had quite a lot to think about. When I first started this process, I said that I would be open to a Caucasian, or Caucasian-Hispanic mixed child. But after going through the process and knowing that my limitation in race could keep me waiting for a long time, I decided to open up my choice in child to any race.
This little baby girl happened to be African-American. She was 9 months old and had been taken by CPS at the time of birth. So she had been in wonderful care, with the same foster family since day one. Born drug free (which is very uncommon), healthy and had reached all her developmental stages for her age. Parental rights were very surely to be severed. So she was everything I had wanted. Low risk, meaning the chance of her being given back to her birth family was very low. But I had quite a bit to think about. Mainly what it would be like to raise a black child in a white family. I took the week to think about it, and initially I was very excited and thinking that this may be something I could do. But after really thinking about it, doing some research, and talking to friends and family, I felt that adopting a black child as a white mother may not be the best choice for the baby.
Adopted children, at some point in there lives, will eventually question their identity and heritage. They may struggle with finding their identity, just like most children do. But I felt that raising a black child in a white family could possibly affect her more so than other adopted children. After some very difficult decision making, I decided not to take this little baby. It wasn't an easy decision by any means. It was very emotional and heart-wrenching, but I ultimately felt it would be the best decision for her.
They warned us in our 11 weeks of classes that this would be one of the most emotional and difficult things you'll ever go through. They were right, and I had no idea how difficult it would be, or has been.
I will talk more about the 2nd match in my next post. But before I do I'll tell you this about it. The call for this baby came on Tuesday, yes this past Tuesday, Election Day. While I was in the middle of getting ready to leave work at 2pm to go and start preparing for my dad's Election night party, my case worker calls with the match. Really? Of all days! It couldn't have been a more stressful day. Murphy's Law! Gives me the basics on her and tells me that she needs an answer from me by 8:30 the next morning. An answer meaning that I want to go ahead with a full disclosure. Full Disclosure is when you meet with your case worker and the baby's case worker. They provide you with all the information that they have on her. The process can last up to 3 hours and is extremely draining and overwhelming, because you're hearing why this child was taken away. It's very unpleasant. But when you agree to go for a full disclosure, which is what I did with the first baby, it's a big deal. They're pretty much offering you this child and are hoping you'll decide to take her. I wasn't sure I was wanting to go ahead with a full disclosure with this 2nd baby or not, but I needed to have the answer first thing the next morning. As you can imagine, I was pretty much
a nervous wreck Tuesday night. With the numbers coming in and not looking good for my
dad and worrying about him, I had this decision weighing heavily on my mind.
I'll leave it at that for now. I promise to post about this 2nd match later tonight or tomorrow. Writing about this is cathartic, but also a little draining.Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13442904357153010884noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-610862381261332726.post-48704294823280161402012-03-18T11:11:00.000-07:002012-03-18T11:11:47.090-07:00Shutting Down BlogHello friends!<br />
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I wanted to let you all know that I'm getting much closer to the end of my classes and that means closer to being matched with my baby! I've learned several things throughout the classes, but one very important one is that we maintain complete privacy of the baby/child being placed in our homes. Since the baby will more than likely still be considered a foster child when placed with me and not legally my child, I need to protect their privacy as much as possible. Obviously there are several reasons, one being that the birth parents could be an issue. Either way, it's just best for everyone involved that i remain as private as I can be with this adoption. Once the adoption is final, it's a different story. But until then, I will not be continuing my blog, posting any pictures of the child, and not discussing any news publicly. That does not mean that I cannot speak about it privately though. So please, if you want to know how things are going, do not hesitate to email or call! <br />
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Thank you all so much for your wonderful words of support and encouragement! They've meant so much to me!<br />
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Love,<br />
HTHeidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13442904357153010884noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-610862381261332726.post-39753464457891882452012-02-29T19:26:00.001-08:002012-02-29T19:29:28.871-08:00The Court SystemHere is a sort of breakdown of how a child is brought to CPS. <br />
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1. Report is received, ER (Emergency Response)responds and the child is removed. A detention hearing is set. At the detention hearing, the child will either go home (with Family Maintenance) or be detained. If the child is detained, relative placements are the preference. The child remains in shelter (30 days) or foster care until relatives are approved if available. At this time, a child may be placed in a concurrent planning home. What that is is a foster home where the family prefers to just be a foster family and supports parent reunification, but is open to adopting if reunification is not possible. <br />
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2. So if the child is detained after the detention hearing, CDU (Court Dependency Unit) investigates. A Juris/Dispo Hearing is set for 30 days. At the J/D hearing, the child will either go home with Family Maintenance (FM), or be removed by the court and become a dependent. If the child is removed, most likely there there will be Family Reunification (FR) services provided and another court date will be set for 6 months to determine how services are going. FR services are for the birth parents/parent, and they could be anything from parenting classes or drug rehab. Services also include parent/child visits, and services for the child.<br />
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3. At the end of six months, the court will determine one of two things: a) additional services are not ordered and adoption becomes an immediate plan. b) if FR services are going well, the parents are offered six more months of services and a review hearing is set in another six months. But if the child is 3 yrs and younger, the parents are only given the <br />
first 6 months, not an additional 6 months. <br />
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4. So if services are terminated, a 366.26 Hearing (Selection and Implementation Hearing) is set to terminate parental rights in 120 days. Parental rights must be severed to ALL parents, including unknown fathers (which is typically the case). The child must be in an adoptive home for parental rights to be severed.<br />
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As you can see, it's a lot of information to digest and figure out. It's extremely overwhelming and stressful at times, and very emotional. But I want this more than anything and am in for the long haul. There is a sort of spectrum of High Risk to Low Risk in regard to the place a child can be in the court system. Of course I want to be matched with a child that is Low Risk, meaning that Family Reunification is very low. But even with that, there will be some risk. My child will more than likely be placed with me before parental rights have been severed, and that scares me more than anything. But I trust my social workers and know that they not only have the child's best interest, but mine as well. And my social worker is not the child's social worker. The child will have their own SW.<br />
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So there ya go! It's a lot I know. And so much more to learn. I will try and update you all as much as I can. But honestly, it's tough keeping up with my blog! But I love all of your comments and words of support and encouragement! Please feel free to ask any questions you may have!<br />
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Thank you!!!<br />
<br />
HTHeidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13442904357153010884noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-610862381261332726.post-12551618770496976432012-02-29T18:28:00.001-08:002012-02-29T19:28:58.764-08:00Class UpdateHello!<br />
<br />
I apologize for not blogging sooner. I know some of you have been anxious to hear how my classes are going, and so far they've been good, just a little overwhelming at times. There is so much to learn about the system and how everything works. At times, the information is just mind-boggling. <br />
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I am halfway done with the classes; April 5th is my last class. Here is some of what I have learned so far. 95% of all children in CPS have been exposed to drugs, whether in-utero or in their environment. Right now, and this changes frequently, most of the children that need homes are between the ages of 6-14. If you are willing to adopt a child in this age bracket, a child with special needs, or sibling sets, then your chances of adopting sooner are much higher. If you want an infant, your wait could be much longer. When I heard this I felt so deflated. Most people adopting, want a baby. But I've come to terms with that I'll be waiting awhile. I've waited 42 yrs to be a mommy. I can wait a few more. <br />
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I will explain the whole court process in my next post. It's quite extensive!Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13442904357153010884noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-610862381261332726.post-69085288418577750042012-01-24T20:26:00.000-08:002012-01-24T21:22:05.187-08:00Getting Started!!!Well, the day is almost here! My first adoption class is Thursday and I can hardly wait. My classes will be every Thursday night for 11 weeks, with the last class ending April 5th. Once that is complete, I think it's just a waiting game. Honestly, I'm not exactly sure what happens and when, but I'm sure I'll learn much more Thursday night. And once I do, I'll post on what I've learned!<br />
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Thank you to all of you that have supported, encouraged, and shared in my excitement! It means the world to me!<br />
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Love, HeidiHeidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13442904357153010884noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-610862381261332726.post-50009551267658438372011-12-05T17:21:00.000-08:002011-12-05T17:21:11.444-08:00JudgementHello Friends!<br />
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I wanted to share this newsletter from GOOP that happens to be on the topic Judgement. I shared this a few weeks ago on FB, but I'm not sure if any of you saw it. But I thought it was worth passing on again. We've all been guilty of judging other people, or even victims of someone else's judgement. It may be human nature for us to judge, but that doesn't make it right, or healthy. Judging other people is just a reflection on how we feel about ourselves, and as I get older, I have a strong desire to change bad habits and try to be the best possible person I can be to my family, friends, coworkers, and hopefully my child. I know that with myself, whenever I have judged someone for the choices they make, or the lifestyle that they lead, or even the outfit they are wearing, I tend to feel pretty awful about myself afterwards. I'm not saying that it's easy to stop judging, and it's very easy to get wrapped up in it too. It's definitely a concerted effort to change bad habits, but it's an effort that I think is worth it. I hope you guys will find the article as enlightening as I did!<br />
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<a href="http://goop.com/newsletter/154/en/">http://goop.com/newsletter/154/en/</a>Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13442904357153010884noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-610862381261332726.post-69154130526576376462011-11-28T12:14:00.000-08:002011-11-28T12:14:15.123-08:00TestingHi Friends and Family,<br />
<br />
I've gone ahead and made my blog private and added all of your emails to the blog list. However, I'm not sure all of you that I've added can view it. So I'm sending a test post. If you wouldn't mind responding to this post that you're able to view it, that would be great! <br />
<br />
Thank you!<br />
<br />
Love, HTHeidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13442904357153010884noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-610862381261332726.post-18730859857887020692011-11-25T21:34:00.000-08:002011-11-25T21:37:16.329-08:00Making Blog PrivateHappy Holidays! It's been a month or so since my last blog post, and nothing new to add right now. But I will be posting more in the future and would like you to be able to have access if you so choose. I am taking a "hiatus" from Facebook, and also making my blog private. So if you would like me to add you to my access list, please let me know. Please email me your email address to HeidiLTava@hotmail.com, and I will add you! Thank you!<br />
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I hope you all had a very happy Thanksgiving!!!<br />
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HT<br />
xoxoHeidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13442904357153010884noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-610862381261332726.post-80706820761025707612011-10-25T17:21:00.000-07:002011-10-27T07:45:49.781-07:00The Electrician and The Athletes Foot Guy<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Ok, now for some lite, funny stories!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let’s take a walk down memory lane and into my fabulously “unique” past dates!</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The Electrician:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We met at a bar (that should be your first clue)!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But he was a mutual acquaintance of one of my cousins, so I thought he couldn’t be that bad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The night that we met we really hit it off, but we’d also had plenty to drink as well, so that obviously clouded any judgment I may have had at the time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He asked me out on a date to attend a work party up in Arrowhead.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I thought that was a little strange for a first date, but what the heck, I’m open.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So we drive up to Arrowhead and I have an “ok” time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was a little awkward not knowing anyone, especially with barely knowing him!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I’m good at making small talk and engaging in conversation, so I made do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I could feel that there was no chemistry and I was really ready to go home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So we walk to his car and he very nicely opens my door and lets me in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His car was a very large truck and he walked toward the back and around to his side.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But for some reason he wasn’t getting in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was standing near the car, but in the back away from his door.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I kept thinking to myself, “what the hell is this guy doing?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, the next thing I know I hear this huge, earth shattering FART!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not kidding you, he FARTED!!!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And he didn’t think that I would hear him??? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh my gosh, I was dying!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My first reaction was to burst out laughing, but then my second reaction was “are you f**king kidding me??”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What a moron!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And he got back into the car like everything was fine, nothing out of the ordinary.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unfortunately, he got back into the car way too soon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He brought his “lovely” scent with him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I seriously did not know what to do or say.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wanted SOOOOOO bad to call him on it, but I just couldn’t bring myself to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I could not stop thinking about it the entire drive home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even while making small talk, I just kept replaying it in my head and it was all I could do to not burst out laughing hysterically!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Needless to say, I did not go out with him again!</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Unfortunately, that was not my first date with a farter!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>ROTFLMAO!!!!</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The Athletes Foot Guy:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ok, so this was a fix-up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A friend of my family had a brother that she wanted to set me up with.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He sounded like a nice guy, was cute in his pictures.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He had even gone to the high school I went to but graduated way before me, so I did not know him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So we’d been on maybe 3-4 dates and things seemed to be going well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I thought I liked him, but it was still too early for me to tell if I REALLY liked him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He lived in the LA area and would come out to Riverside for our dates.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His parents lived in Riverside so he would just stay at their house.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But on this occasion, I invited him to stay the night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And NO, it wasn’t what you’re thinking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had a 2<sup>nd</sup> bedroom at the time and he was invited to sleep in there!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So he takes me to a ribs place for dinner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t remember what I ordered.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t order ribs though.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, he did, unfortunately!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have never, ever seen someone with worse table manners in my life!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was absolutely disgusting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He would start at one end of the rib, like he was eating corn-on-the-cob, and make his way down to the other end, all the while never shutting his mouth and getting bbq sauce all over his mouth and practically his entire face.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He would then proceed to use his tongue to lick around his entire mouth, wipe it on his arm, lick each and every finger with those horrible slurping sounds, and then start all over again on the next rib.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was AWFUL!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I knew right then and there I would not be going out with him again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All I could think about was, “shit, and now he’s going home with me???”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As if that wasn’t enough, you’ll die when you hear what happened next.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You may not even believe it because it was so obnoxious and just…..odd!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like the date above, he walks me to the car and opens my side to let me in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I sit down and he just stands there, turns around with his butt facing me, AND F**CKING FARTS!!!!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>LOL…..I’m not kidding you, he farted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And it was completely premeditated!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He said, “aw, that feels better!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I thought I was in the Twilight Zone, literally.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just awkwardly giggled and continued to stress over the fact that I had to spend the rest of the evening with this Neanderthal!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I also thought to myself that this guy is either trying to inadvertently tell me that he’s not interested, or he’s just completely clueless.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Who knows!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So we get to my house and decide to watch a movie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’re sitting on the couch and he asks if he can take his shoes off because he has athletes foot and he needs to scratch his feet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>REALLY?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anyone that knows me well knows how much I HATE feet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I cannot stand them!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They’re just gross!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t even like my own feet!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So when he said this I just about died.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He has one arm around my shoulder and the other obsessively scratching his feet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I said to myself, “that’s it, I’m going to bed!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t take any more of this.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wanted to just escape to my bedroom!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Fortunately, I had to be at work the next morning and would not have to see or talk to him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I left a towel out for him so that he could take a shower, and had him just lock himself out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But all I could think about was the fact that he had contaminated the sheets, towel, rug and the bottom of shower with his disgusting feet!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So during my lunch I threw everything into the hot washer and scoured that shower with Ajax until my fingers cracked!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I even mopped the entire bathroom floor!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was DISGUSTING!!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He had the nerve to leave me a “sweet” note that said he would call me tonight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Great!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Can’t wait for that! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He did call a few times, but I never called him back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">So there ya go!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Two very funny dating stories that I will never forget.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At the time, I was very frustrated and disappointed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But now, they’re just hysterically funny memories and I laugh when I think about them!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How could you not!?!?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Hope you enjoyed those, because I have more!!!</span></div>Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13442904357153010884noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-610862381261332726.post-35653315303116084402011-10-23T21:25:00.000-07:002011-10-23T21:25:39.416-07:00Mistakes I've Made Along the WayI've been single since the age of 20, when I actually started dating. I've had a few significant relationships thru the years, but most have lasted 3-4 months max. And while there have been times where I've just had genuine bad luck, most of the time any heartbreak that I have experienced was brought on by myself. I have never been good at listening to my inner voice or instincts in regards to men. I can look back on specific relationships and remember seeing those red flags pop up and just pushing them down to where I didn't have to deal with them. In fact, I'm not even sure if they actually registered as red flags and that it was time to run. To me, they registered as "oh, I need to help this person," or "his ex-wife is still in his life, but he's choosing to be with me," and "he has a lot of girl "friends" and is very sneaky on the phone, but I don't want to come across as the paranoid/controlling girlfriend.". There are many more I'm sure, but you get the gist. And because I chose to ignore those warnings, I ended up allowing myself to get hurt. I also allowed for men to treat me less than I deserved because I so wanted it to work, or to belong to someone, or to not be alone, or more importantly, to get married and start a family. Anyone that knows me well, knows that I fall hard and fast when I really like someone. I jump in with both feet, and always listen to my heart and almost always ignore my head. But I can honestly say that I don't even know if I have ever actually experienced true love. Oh there have been many times that I thought I was in love, or even times I tried to convince myself that I was in love. Maybe the real root of this problem has been the fact that I've never loved myself enough to protect myself from men that are less than what I deserve. And all those insecurities and self-hatred are a direct result of things I experienced as a child. There is no need to go into those experiences. I had a wonderful childhood and two very good and loving parents that did the best that they could with what they had. And I love them very much. But I am also 42 years old and do not want to be one of those people that blames their failures on their parents or childhood experiences. I know from right and wrong, and I know what I need to do to make positive changes in my life. And I try very hard every day to make positive changes in my life. Some days are are struggle, but I just do better the next day.<br />
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You may ask, "why am I sharing some of my most private and insecure thoughts?". I have always been a very open and honest person, which sometimes isn't always the best to be, but sharing this information is all part of the process to becoming the best possible mother i can be to my future child and that's part of what I signed up for when I started this blog.<br />
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You know, I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. I've done things that I'm not proud of. But I am also human and am far from perfect. Mistakes are good though. They teach us and prepare us for the future. Yes, sometimes I have made the same mistakes 1, 2, 3 times over. But eventually I do get it. But I'm still learning, still making mistakes, and therefore still growing.<br />
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Unfortunately, sometimes the people in your life that you thought loved you unconditionally, or trusted completely, are the first ones to criticize and sit in judgement for the choices you've made. I understand the disappointment that they may have felt in the bad choices I've made along the way, but no one will ever be more disappointed, or beat themselves up about those choices, more than myself. At the end of the day, no one knows what it's like to walk in someone else's shoes. And no one has one clue what it's like to have lived in mine more than myself.<br />
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And finally, I think I'm on the path to loving myself, learning to recognize those red flags when they pop up and actually running away as fast as I can, respecting myself, and putting myself first.<br />
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Thank you for letting me share some very personal thoughts.<br />
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htHeidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13442904357153010884noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-610862381261332726.post-7888321865591889282011-10-22T20:27:00.000-07:002011-10-22T21:06:58.179-07:00AdoptingIt's been awhile since my last blog post and I wanted to update you all on the latest adoption news. I had my interview/home inspection with the State a few weeks ago. This is to obtain my certification for a foster/adoptive child to be placed in my home. And all went great and I was approved! The next step, which I'm currently in the middle of, is seeing a therapist. Part of the adoption process through the County is that you get an approval from a therapist stating that I have emotionally dealt with the infertility treatment being unsuccessful. So I've gone once and have one more session, and hopefully we'll be done and I can move on to the next step. And that next step will start sometime in January. I have 11 weeks of classes that I will need to take and once that is completed, I believe that is when the matching of a baby for me begins! January really can't get here fast enough! I'm so excited to meet my future child I can hardly stand the wait! Someone told me on my birthday this past week, that this is probably the last birthday as a non-parent. And that could very possibly be true! Next Halloween I could be taking my little one trick-or-treating, or going crazy overboard at Christmas! It's very exciting to think about it! I know my life is about to change in every possible way, and I can hardly wait!Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13442904357153010884noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-610862381261332726.post-10645401260762396212011-09-10T13:13:00.000-07:002011-09-10T13:15:03.044-07:00Test ResultsI was able to go in and have a pregnancy blood test a day before my scheduled appointment on 9/9. This would allow me to have my test Thursday morning and get the results later that afternoon. I decided to take the day off from work and spend the day with my mom shopping, going to lunch, and trying to keep me preoccupied. I started spotting the day before while I was at work. It wasn't anything substantial, but it definitely alarmed me. I knew that it was sometimes normal to have spotting if you were pregnant. It could be from implantation or the uterus growing and the placenta forming. So I really tried not to worry about it. But the next day, Thursday morning, I had more spotting. I felt like I had started my period. When I went in for my blood test, I told the nurse what was happening and she reassured me that 4 out of 5 pregnant women usually have some spotting around the time that they are expecting their period, and even have cramping. So I felt a little better, but I was very worried and concerned. <br />
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The call came around 4:30pm, and the nurse very kindly informed me that the test came back negative, I was not pregnant. She was only telling me what I pretty much already knew that morning when I saw I had more significant spotting. But the news still stung and I felt my heart in my throat. It was devastating news. But at the same time, there was a sense of relief that I finally had a definitive answer after waiting two weeks. Not knowing is the worst feeling, and I finally knew. My mom was there with me, thank God, and just wrapped me in her arms and told me how sorry she was. I love my mom so much.<br />
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So, there it is. I'm not pregnant, and probably will never have the opportunity to experience pregnancy or give birth to my own child, and that's difficult to accept. But I know that I will still be a mother. My baby is out there somewhere. I just have to be patient.<br />
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I want to thank all of you for your prayers and good thoughts. They mean so much and have really helped me get through this process. No one wanted this more than me, but I really felt how much you all wanted this too, for me, and I can't thank you enough. <br />
<br />
THANK YOU! XOXO<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
<br />
HeidiHeidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13442904357153010884noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-610862381261332726.post-73335066455984125682011-08-25T17:27:00.000-07:002011-08-25T17:27:37.317-07:00Update<div style="text-align: justify;">After a week of giving myself injections of a follicle stimulating medicine, I arrived for my scheduled drs. appointment yesterday evening feeling excited and a little anxious. As I sat in the exam room waiting for the dr. to come in and do my ultrasound, I felt somewhat nervous about what the ultrasound would show. What if the results weren't good? What if it showed that I had not responded at all to the meds? But as soon as I saw the reflection of the dr. through the frosted glass, a feeling of calmness washed over me. I don't know what it was, but the feeling was undeniable. I knew everything was going to look good. And it did! The ultrasound showed that I was responding well to the meds and that I had two mature follicles! Before that appointment, the dr. felt that I probably wouldn't be ready for the insemination until Monday. However, once she took a look at the follicles, she said, "It looks like we're going to be doing this on Friday"!</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">YES, FRIDAY!!! Friday, as in tomorrow, I will be having my IUI procedure (insemination) at 11am at the Torrance office! It's very exciting, and somewhat surreal, that I could potentially get pregnant this weekend. But there is also a sense of fear that it will not be successful. I have to admit, I have a very good feeling about all of this, but there is that doubt in the back of my head that is telling me to not get my hopes up. If it doesn't happen, I will be crushed. But I guess I will be crushed whether I get my hopes up or not, so the best thing to do is to just think positively. And so that is what I've decided to do! Positive thinking, AND lots of prayers!!!</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">The procedure is not invasive and is not suppossed to hurt. In fact, they say that it's like having a pap smear. They'll be inserting a catheter into my uterus and administering the sperm through that. Once they have inserted the sperm, I'll lay there for about 15-30 minutes and go home. No bed rest, could totally go back to work, (if I worked on Fridays), or even drive myself to and from the appointment if I wanted to. But I don't want to! My mother will be taking me, and just for my own peace of mind, I will be laying down (with my feet in the air) all day, and taking it easy for the rest of the weekend. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">And........two weeks from tomorrow (September 9th), I will take a home pregnancy test to see if the procedure was successful. It's going to be an agonizing two weeks, wondering if each ache, pain, or craving is actually a sympton of being pregnant. But, that is part of the process and I'm sooooo ready!</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">Wish me luck!</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">Love,</div><div style="text-align: justify;">Heidi</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
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</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div>Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13442904357153010884noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-610862381261332726.post-40347438582318469012011-08-23T09:38:00.000-07:002011-08-23T09:43:01.146-07:00Injection Training VideoHello! <br />
<br />
I thought I would share with you all the video I took on how to administer my meds. It's an annoying video, I think I say "ok" maybe 100 times, and I always hate hearing myself. But anyway, the video gives a general idea of how I'm giving myself the meds. I'm on my 6th day of injections and it's going fine. I haven't been able to video myself because it's just been me around when I administer them. But it's super easy and it really doesn't hurt. But, I have been getting terrible headaches. I had one of the worst migraines I've ever had Saturday night, and I'm not allowed to take Excedrin or ibuprofen. My wonderful mother came over to take care of me and I finally relaxed and fell asleep. But I've still been struggling with headaches everyday and just generally not feeling great. Tomorrow afternoon is my next dr. appt. and they will be able to see how I'm responding to the meds. If all looks good, I could be inseminated by the end of the week! So any prayers or good thoughts would be really appreciated!!!<br />
<br />
Thank you!!!<br />
<br />
Heidi <br />
xoxo<br />
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<a href="http://youtu.be/9Xdw07KGlm8">http://youtu.be/9Xdw07KGlm8</a>Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13442904357153010884noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-610862381261332726.post-1938778207014703392011-08-18T15:10:00.000-07:002011-08-18T15:10:03.604-07:00Well.............Estrogen level is under 80 (47 to be exact!)!!!! WOO HOO!!!! Starting injections tonight!!!!Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13442904357153010884noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-610862381261332726.post-23195150310685114162011-08-17T18:05:00.000-07:002011-08-17T18:05:42.209-07:00Latest Drs. AppointmentAfter weeks of waiting for my "real" period to start, I finally started last night!!!! So I had my drs. appt. today and it looks like all is good. The ultrasound showed that my ovaries were free of cysts, and somehow the dr. was able to "predict" that I will probably produce two eggs. They took my blood to see what my estrogen levels are and showed me how to administer my injections. My estrogen level will need to be under 80 before I can start the injections. They will call me tomorrow afternoon to tell me my levels, and if they're where they're supposed to be, I'll start my injections tomorrow night! <br />
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My next appt. is next Wednesday for another ultrasound to see how I'm reacting to the meds. If all looks good, I could have my insemination anywhere between 8/25 and 9/1!!! Very exciting!!!Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13442904357153010884noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-610862381261332726.post-79477796152515159492011-08-09T20:56:00.000-07:002011-08-09T21:11:57.612-07:00UpdateHello! It's been awhile since I've posted. I guess I'm slacking on my blogging duties! But there really isn't much to report. I'm just waiting for my period to start so I can, hopefully, start my meds and have my insemination! Because of last months screw-up, I told myself that I would be extra cautious this time around. I started what I thought could be my period, last week and called the dr. immediately. I was a little surprised, since I was about 10 days early. I'll spare you the details, but it wasn't "normal", I guess you could say. But I wasn't taking any chances. My periods have been known to look different from time to time, so the only cause for concern was that I was really early. Well, I walked into the drs. office and was greeted by the nurse (or PA; not sure exactly what she is). From the moment I walked in, she treated me as if I was a 10 yr. old. She was so condescending and questioning of me. Asking me specifically what my period looked like and if it was flowing. Flowing??? Um, well not really. Ok, I guess I'm gonna have to go into detail. Sorry guys, but you've been forewarned! So I proceed to tell her that it's more of a brown discharge (old blood), and that I'm using a pad. Well, she goes on to tell me that unless your bleeding heavily fresh blood, and having to use a tampon, than it's probably not my period. I tried to explain to her some more exactly what was going on and she had the nerve to say to me, "have you ever seen a period"? LISTEN BITCH, I've probably had my period 10 years longer than you have! YES I know what a goddamn period looks like! I didn't say that, but boy did I want to! I literally felt like taking off my underwear, showing her my pad, and saying, "you tell me"! Instead, I held it together and politely said that I just wasn't sure and was wanting to be cautious. She proceeded to tell me that she'll let the dr. know, but that she was probably going to say the same thing. Well, the dr. was great! Very understanding and kind. She explained to me that more than likely I was just experiencing "breakthrough bleeding". I did not tell her about the nurse. But I may. I just don't want to make my visits there any more anxiety ridden than they already are. So hopefully sometime next week I'll be preparing my body for the insemination. Keep your fingers crossed!<br />
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Also, I know that I said that I would write about my past dating life. Well, first of all, my memory is awful, so I may need some help from family and friends. Second, some of it is not fun to remember. Nothing horribly dramatic, just a little painful. But I would like to share some of the stories, because they are pretty darn funny!Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13442904357153010884noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-610862381261332726.post-70622654117372742762011-07-20T20:08:00.000-07:002011-07-21T08:39:16.153-07:00Small Set-BackToday was my much anticipated dr.s appt. This was the appt. where I would be shown how to take my meds and have an ultrasound to see how my ovaries were doing. I started my period on Friday evening, a few days sooner than what my IUI calendar that the nurse had put together showed. I called first thing Monday morning to let them know I started, thinking that they would want to see me that day instead of the already scheduled appt. for Weds. (today). But my nurse said that the Weds. appt. would be fine. WELL, I went to my appt. today and the first thing the dr. asks me is, "when did you start your period"? She wasn't happy when I told her. She wasn't unhappy with me, but with the nurse. Anyway, the gist of it is that I will have to wait until next month now to start meds and have my IUI. So needless to say, I'm very disappointed. But, like my mom said, maybe it's for a reason. And that's probably true. So, I start over and count the days until my next cycle. I don't think I've ever been so excited to start my period! And after my insemination, I will be praying that I don't start it! Crazy!!!Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13442904357153010884noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-610862381261332726.post-28296878296979959762011-07-19T21:07:00.000-07:002011-07-21T14:45:34.808-07:00Starting Meds!Well, tomorrow is my dr appointment! Blood work, ultrasound, and instructions on when and how to take my meds! Very excited!!!!! I will be starting the injections on Friday, and should have my insemination in about 2 weeks! <br />
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I have not picked a donor yet, but I have narrowed it down to 4. Some friends have looked at them and given me their favorites, but I still would like my family to read them and give me their input. This is one very difficult decision!<br />
<br />
Wish me luck!!!!<br />
<br />
Heidi<br />
xoxoHeidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13442904357153010884noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-610862381261332726.post-52292654326350149602011-07-15T13:32:00.000-07:002011-07-21T14:46:29.001-07:00Acupuncture<div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: white;">Well, I had my first acupuncture appointment today. Acupuncture is said to go hand-in-hand with infertility treatment, and can increase the odds of getting pregnant significantly. So the way I look at it, what have I got to lose! </span></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: white;"><br />
</span></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: white;">The acupuncturist was a woman, and very sweet and calm. She took me into the room, asked me a lot of questions, gave me some suggestions on supplements to take and foods to avoid, and then we got started. She asked me to undress but to keep my underwear on and then to put on the hospital robe provided, open to the back. She came in and I laid down on what was pretty much a massage table. She had me lay on my stomach, since all the needles she would be inserting would be on my back side. I think she said that she used 8 needles? Some were placed in my lower back, upper butt area. The others were placed in my lower calves and around my ankles. They did not hurt in the slightest. In fact, I barely even felt them going in. There were two entry points, one on my back and one on my leg, that were somewhat uncomfortable, but not painful. Once she did that, she attached the needles to some kind of electrical current and it would buzz every second or so. I asked her specifically </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: white;">wh</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: white;">at this was supposed to help with and she said it would help with my </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: white;">endometrial</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: white;"> lining and also help with the production of healthier eggs. She then left the room and I laid there for about 30 minutes. It's hard for me to relax in a setting like that, just because it's somewhere that I'm not familiar with. But I really did start to relax and almost fell asleep. Let me just say, it was WONDERFUL! I'm not kidding, I seriously felt like I'd just had a full body massage. And when I walked out of there I felt like I was floating! </span></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: white;"><br />
</span></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: white;">So whether this works or not, at the very least, it's helping me to relax and stay calm. And I'm going to need that desperately in the next few weeks. Next appointment is on the 29th!</span></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: white;"><br />
</span></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: white;">Heidi</span></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: white;">xoxo</span></span></div>Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13442904357153010884noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-610862381261332726.post-44871522872925078622011-07-14T16:06:00.000-07:002011-07-21T14:42:10.180-07:00Let's try this again!I'm not sure if any of you were able to actually view the video, since I had marked it PRIVATE. Here they are again if you had trouble accessing it the first time. <br />
<br />
Heidi<br />
xoxo<br />
<br />
<a href="http://youtu.be/t7MeDz9RApA">http://youtu.be/t7MeDz9RApA</a><br />
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<a href="http://youtu.be/GJiIk2wRM-Y">http://youtu.be/GJiIk2wRM-Y</a>Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13442904357153010884noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-610862381261332726.post-92099338655342170872011-07-14T15:56:00.001-07:002011-07-21T14:45:00.161-07:00My Meds Video cont.<a href="http://youtu.be/GJiIk2wRM-Y">http://youtu.be/GJiIk2wRM-Y</a>Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13442904357153010884noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-610862381261332726.post-62341091198609661752011-07-14T11:05:00.000-07:002011-07-21T14:44:46.935-07:00My Meds-Video 1<a href="http://youtu.be/t7MeDz9RApA">http://youtu.be/t7MeDz9RApA</a>Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13442904357153010884noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-610862381261332726.post-74669769030264484992011-07-12T17:32:00.000-07:002011-07-21T14:39:23.620-07:00The "Rapist" Story<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">So, the story of the “rapist” goes like this:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Met him at a party, turns out he recognized my last name.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Go figure, right?!?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ugh!!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Once he learned my name, he was VERY interested.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And the reason he was interested?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He dated one of my very distant cousins, a cousin that I hardly even knew. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And as I would find out much later, “dated” turned out to be “dating”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They had a very tumultuous relationship and were pretty much still together when “Danny” and I first met.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He of course stated otherwise.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I had no reason not to believe him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was 20, and VERY naive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This was my first boyfriend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The first guy I ever brought home to my parents.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I was really falling for him.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">Things seemed to be going really well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My parents seemed to like him too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But after about a month of dating, my dad got an early morning phone call that changed my life for about a year or so.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The distant cousin that had dated “Danny”, had charged him with beating and raping her and he was now in jail.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had been with him the previous evening, but was home around 10pm or so.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After I left, he left to go see her.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">To make a very long story short, my parents told me that I was no longer allowed to see him and if I did, they would kick me out of the house.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, I did continue to see him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I believed that he was innocent, I believed with all of my heart that I loved him, and I stood by his side.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My parents found out and then I moved out. </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">The case never went to trial due to lack of evidence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She at some point admitted that she had lied and that he never beat or raped her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He joined the military, we got engaged, and soon after we broke up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And in the long run, he ended up marrying that distant cousin of mine that accused him of rape.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They had a child and then eventually divorced!</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">So that’s THAT story!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No bueno at all!!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13442904357153010884noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-610862381261332726.post-54873373453387719692011-07-11T08:34:00.001-07:002011-07-21T14:41:09.707-07:00Black LinesWhy are there black lines through the majority of my blog?? Anyone know how to fix it??? It's driving me CRAZY!!!!Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13442904357153010884noreply@blogger.com1